


A big deal™

by vermicious_knid



Category: Doom Patrol (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Help, because alan tudyk as a villain, is a SNACK, shameless self-insert really, why are villains my kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-24
Updated: 2019-05-27
Packaged: 2020-03-14 15:03:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18950509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vermicious_knid/pseuds/vermicious_knid
Summary: Seemingly at once, both me and Nobody spoke up at the same time. While he looked completely casual and almost bored, I screeched out my answer like an idiot.”SEX.” he said.”NOTHING!” I screeched, equally loud.The pregnant silence that followed could have impregnated a nation. Chief made a noise in his throat that sounded like he wanted to vomit.Yes, it was officially a Big Deal™ and I was not going to live this down anytime soon.





	1. Chapter 1

At first, it wasn’t that big of a deal.

 

I’m only human after all, and if I see a good looking guy my eyes tend to linger on certain areas. Even if that someone happens to be a reality-warping villain who tends to capture me and the doom patrol on occasion as part of one of his many evil schemes.

 

My name is Lancelot. No really, it is! I’m a capricorn and I’m a woman of 23 modest years. Well for starters I don’ have any superpowers – unless you count babysitting said people with superpowers. I’m just your regular orphan annie that Chief took pity on when I was a simple thief and he caught me trying to steal an expensive vase. And just like that he hired me to keep the mansion in good shape, as well as keeping an eye on its inhabitants.

 

But mostly I just sat in my room and tried to play sandstorm by darude on my kazoo.

 

It was a pretty sweet gig, all in all. The only downside was that I occasionally got kidnapped by random villains ( I mean I could deal with it but still). But sometimes we were all kidnapped by a specific someone called Mr. Nobody.

 

Doesn’t that sound like a stage name to you? It does to me.

 

He is a pretty powerful dude, and can basically do whatever he wants and there is little one can do to actually stop him, since he has the ability to manipulate basically everything in the universe.

 

But he still had a pretty nice looking ass.

 

There, I said it.

 

Something I had noticed the second time he had shanghaied us all in that white little void of his, and during one of his (many) monologues, he had turned around and given me a rather nice view of his assets, if you catch my drift.

 

Like, I know he’s evil and all – but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s a pretty good looking lima bean. Even in those ridiculous pants, it couldn’t hide the fact that he had nice proportions.

 

* * *

 

The second time was when it was actually kind of a life or death situation. It is always though I guess, with Mr. N.

 

”If you don’t stop looking for me, I’ll have you all incinerated instantly! Doesn’t that sound electric?” He asked in his megalomaniac manner, in a voice that was much smoother and darkly seductive than I would have liked.

 

And oops, that was how I also noticed the way he spoke.

 

Thankfully, he had never given me in this little group much thought or attention so he didn’t notice the way I was basically leering at him.

 

But Jane did notice, and she threw me a look that was part disgust, and part what I guess was Karen – who was giving me an incredulous thumbs up.

 

I made a mental note to try and control my inappropriate thoughts a little more the next time this happened (as I knew it would).

 

* * *

 

The third time, he didn’t actually take us to the void and instead just chose to appear at the mansion to deliver a cryptic message about the old doom patrol.

 

He was also dressed in what looked like a copy of what Jane usually wore – intended as a mockery of her I assumed. But all it did was bring more attention to his physic – the tight black jeans and the dark, ripped tank top, the black makeup around his eyes making him look both startling and dare I say, hot.

 

He threw out his arms theatrically. ”And who knows where they might be right now? With renewed youth and strength given by yours truly, what sort of grim intentions do you think they have?”

 

I honestly and truly tried to pay attention to what he was saying. But my eyes kept straying down, down, down.

 

After he had left that time, I spent a long, long time in my room working out a few things between me, myself and a trusty vibrator.

 

I wasn’t usually a sucker for gingers, but this time I definitely was.

 

* * *

 

 

”You’re disgusting, you know that?” Jane asked over the breakfast table while scrutinizing me like I had just swallowed a frog. I rolled my eyes and continued munching on my lucky charms next to her.

 

”What? It’s healthy to masturbate!” I said, shrugging.

 

”Whatever.” She muttered, and I threw a lucky charm at her head – which resulted in a war of breakfast cereal all over the table. When Larry decided to join in, we never told him what started it.

 

* * *

 

It became officially a problem the fourth time we came in contact with him. I just minded my own business in the background, zoning in and out of his villainous tirade until I became bored and decided to focus on what he was wearing this time.

 

Since the team was investigating a superhuman baseball team potentially possessed by the devil (don’t ask) he was dressed like a baseball player, with a hat and all.

 

And all I could think about was bad puns about sex and baseball.

 

_You can pitch it to me anytime._

 

_Go long, go waaaay long._

 

_Hit that bat like you wanna hit my ass – hard._

 

_Curve that ball and thrust it with care._

 

_I wouldn’t say no to a home run!_

 

It was then that Mr N. suddenly stopped in his tracks, and stopped speaking altogether – and he looked extremely frustrated – like a fly was buzzing in his ear. Then, without warning,he turned fully in my direction and stared me down with intense blue eyes.

 

”A homerun indeed.” he murmured, a smirk starting to grace his stupidly attractive face. I stared back at him, my mouth open as my mind exploded.

 

WHAT

 

THE

 

FUCK.

 

_He could read minds???_

 

”You can read minds???” I asked out loud, and he sighed like the question was boring and old.

 

”Of course I can, silly.” he said.

 

”Wow.” I said, like an intelligent individual.

 

”That’s not what you thought – your exact words were ”what the fuck”. Fuck being the operate word here.” He said, steepling his fingers together, his smirk growing until he started to look like the grinch.

 

_But hot._

 

And then he laughed quite abruptly, and I blushed furiously like a tomato because holy fuck he must have heard my thoughts all the times I oogled his ass, biceps, crotch and more.

 

Meanwhile, the doom patrol were beginning to wonder what was going on. I didn’t blame them.

 

”Uh, what just happened?” Cliff asked me, and I decided to laugh as well because otherwise I would cry.

 

”Oh, just a minor thing really. An inside joke, if you will.”

 

”Not minor...” Mr. N decided to murmur just then – giving me a look that made it quite clear what he was talking about. I squinted up at him and thrust a finger at his face.

 

”Hold up, are you flirting with me?”

 

He huffed and rolled his eyes before coming to standing in my personal bubble.

 

”No, I’m just addressing you as a nuisance.” he sad in a voice that could cut glass, but I saw the way his eyes dipped briefly to check out my chest.

 

”Uh, what are you guys talking about?” 

 

Seemingly at once, both me and Nobody spoke up at once. While he looked completely casual and almost bored, I screeched out my answer like an idiot.

 

”SEX.” he said.

 

”NOTHING!” I screeched, equally loud.

 

The pregnant silence that followed could have impregnated a nation. Chief made a noise in his throat that sounded like he wanted to vomit.

 

Yes, it was officially a Big Deal and I was not going to live this down anytime soon.

 

* * *

 

From then on, everything changed.

 

At the mansion things went on as usual. Mostly, anyway. Except now, I would occasionally find a sticky note on my door that said ”SO WHEN’S THE WEDDING?”

 

Or, alternately, my name in our facebook group chat would be changed to GINGER FUCKER.

 

I took it all in stride of course, and responded in kind. Usually by being open about my sexual fantasies involving said villain when we were having dinner.

 

But that is not all that changed.

 

* * *

 

Since Nobody (or Eric Morden, his real name) knew about my oogling, and made sure that I knew that he knew – he started to wear other, more revealing clothes.

 

It didn’t change overnight. We would see him many times in his ”superhuman” form that looked like a rubiks cube and nothing was out of the ordinary.

 

But then one day, he appeared in the mansion’s living room in his human form, wearing nothing but his boxers. He never brought any attention to his state of undress, and proceeded to be the terrifying villain that he was.

 

But just before he left, he would shoot me a strange, long look.

 

And finally, just when I thought the whole matter was a closed discussion, next time he decided to appear completely naked.

 

Au naturale.

  
Nude.

 

NOTHING.

 

Well not nothing, just his wiry pale and freckled ginger body. Striking a pose on our persian carpet like he was a model or the subject of an oil painting.

 

And this did not make me embarrassed, no. It actually made me a little furious. As he just stood there all proudly, regaling us with another monologue about how easy he could kill us, I made sure to have very dirty and persistent thoughts about him. More than that, I gave him a challenge.

 

_Alright you motherfucker. Enough is enough. I know you like to mess with our heads but lets be adults about this. Either you put that thing back where it came from, or we settle this once and for all. Fuck me like a toaster strudel that needs filling._

 

I had never seen him flustered before. But now, he suddenly sputtered and paused in his tirade – and was that…

 

Was he blushing???

 

”Uh, Morden, dude – are you okay?” Cliff decided to ask, bypassing the fact that he was completely naked. Cliff was smooth like that.

 

”Heh, why of course not! Me and your dear knight was just having a little heart to heart.” he said, clearing his throat and putting his hands on his hips confidently.

 

”More like cunt to di-”

 

”JANE! You’re not helping.” I moaned, hands covering my eyes.

 

”Jeez, tough crowd.”

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

A few months passed where nothing too dramatic happened. Just an almost-apocalypse, your regular family drama and betrayal – hello secrets, its britney bitch.

 

Well actually that was kind of shocking – not even I knew that Chief had a special daughter with special powers, or that he had tried to gain immortality from the mansion's inhabitants all along.

 

But my paycheck still came in every month, so I figured that things weren’t THAT serious. And eventually they moved back into the mansion and everything was honky dory again – more or less. It was kind of odd, living there when it was just me and the chief all those months. I never thought I would miss them that much, but when they came back after saving the world and told me they were gonna move back in, I broke down and cried like a little bitch.

 

They had always been kinda awkward with showing FEELINGS, but this time none of them hesitated to initiate the biggest group hug full of underdog sweat and the smell of burnt cockroach.

 

* * *

 

 

The Big Deal came crashing back into the picture on just a regular wednesday evening.

 

I was sitting on my bed and texting cyborg after having taken a nice and luxuriant shower, still in a towel with my long wet hair looking like a big mop of wet’n wild. He wasn’t that good of a gal pal, still in training mode for that – but it was hilarious to text him since all of his texts popped up in his line of vision and he couldn’t escape my lame jokes and innuendos.

 

_Bippity bopp, I want my cherry to pop._

 

_U a virgin??_

 

Funny that's the first thing he thinks of saying. I thought he would be more of a prude than that.

 

_Heck no! It's just my expression for being horny._

 

_Why are you telling me this? Go bother someone else_

 

Which was a good question, to be fair. But it’s hard to find a good slice of ham in a small town like Cloverton. I’d tried tinder a few times before and only gotten lucky once, and it was the middle of the week, so no excursions to the larger cities. Chief wanted me nearby during the weekdays, in case of temper tantrums or violent disturbances – all occurring in the mansion on a regular basis.

 

Which was why I was bugging Cy and not hitting the clubs. Of course, that’s when flashes of Eric Morden came to mind.

 

_I would, but I doubt the guy I have in mind would be interested :,(_

 

_U have a crush on someone??? Who???_

 

Oh, poor, sweet, innocent Cy. I smirked, and continued typing.

 

_Oh just this guy I’ve seen a couple of times. Great ass._

 

_Ugh, please stop._

Boy should have learned his lesson – a reply like that just makes me wanna write more dirty things.

 

_I want this guy naked with sushi covering his whole body – that way I can eat dinner AND really eat dinner if you know what I mean ;))))_

 

_* barf * I’M CALLING MY DAD ON U_

 

We continued texting like this for about an hour (yes, I love torture) until something kinda unexpected happened.

 

I heard a very familiar voice speak up right next to my ear.

 

”What’s happening here?” someone whispered playfully. And I completely lost it.

 

AHHHHHHHHHH.

 

This is so embarrassing, especially considering who I live with, but this sudden whisper scared me enough to jump a mile off the bed, and I did absolutely nothing to keep holding the towel around me. It flew across the room and I was left standing on my bed naked, clutching my phone in hand like a potential (but useless) weapon.

 

And lo and behold, Mr. Nobody himself was standing next to my bed.

 

Correction, he was now hunching down next to my bed, looking up at me like I was the intruder here, not him.

 

”What the hell is wrong with you? You almost pierced my eardrums!” he moaned, clutching his left ear. I raised my eyebrows and pointed at him accusingly.

 

”What’s wrong with me? What the frickety frick are you doing in my bedroom? Unannounced? What kind of savage are you?” I yell-whispered at him, because if anybody else came into the room right now, it would cause a shitstorm of epic proportions.

 

Eric paused before replying, choosing to stare at my bare stomach with half-lidded eyes.

 

”I’m not the kind to knock. ” he replied, voice like gravel.

 

”Well, definitely noted. What do you want? No let me guess, here to bring about another apocalypse right? Well fine, get on with it then. Not much I can do to stop you.” I scoffed and crossed my arms over my (still naked) chest.

  
Oh that’s right. I was still naked. Funny how I totally forgot about that but hey, a confident girl is confident. I was by no means a victoria’s secret model, at least not since 2014. That was a wild year. Eric cocked his head at me and stared for a long moment – not at my chest, but into my eyes. What a gentleman.

 

”Well, well. You’re hard to pin down.” he murmured. I cocked my head at him in return and fluttered my lashes.

 

”You mean like, literary?”

 

Eric closed his eyes and groaned like he was experiencing a painful migraine.

 

”Having a conversation with you is like trying to communicate with a sandstorm.” he muttered as he walked around the bed, staring at random stuff in my room. I shrugged.

 

”I know, it's my superpower.”

 

”Is that why Niles hired you? Your incorrigible nature, your wit?” he asked with sarcasm all over his voice, while looking at my Camp rock poster with a questionable expression on his face.

 

”I suppose. I don’t really think about it that much.” I said, which was true.

 

”No – you think about my naked ass instead. Quite a lot, in fact.”

 

”Do you mind?”

 

”That’s not- that’s not the right question.” he said, his adam’s apple bobbing up and down, he was no longer next to the bed and instead fumbling with my bedside clock – breaking it in half at the same time he stuttered. Interesting.

 

”And what is?” I asked, my voice suddenly a lot huskier than before. Instead of giving me a verbal reply, he walked back to me and put a hand on my naked thigh. At first it was just the ghost of a touch, but then his hand slowly creeped higher. I watched his hand, and made no move to stop him as it slowly reached up and stroked the skin of my inner thigh.

 

Meanwhile, a teeny tiny voice in my mind was reminding me that yes, he was a villain. a Big Bad dude. And that just maybe, this was not such a good idea.

 

But I decided not to listen to that bullshit, because we are both two consenting adults.

 

I reached down and squeezed his hand, urging him to keep going. He had thick fingers, and when two of them deftly slid into my hotpocket I closed my eyes and groaned out loud.

 

”Does that feel-”

 

”Yes. God, yes.”

 

”Good choice of words.”

 

I smirked at that. And then he continued to finger me relentlessly as I laid down on the bed, with him on top of me, still fully clothed. With his godlike powers, he dimmed the lights in the room and I heard the click of the door lock.

 

Not long after that, I grew restless and hungry for more. I started trying to get his silly clothes off, biting his exposed neck, watching with delight as the fair skin reddened under my touch.

 

”Your skin really turns me on.” I said breathlessly and he chuckled darkly.

 

”That’s an odd thing to say, but I’ll take it.”

 

Then with just a snap of his fingers, the rest of his clothes disappeared. I made him eat up that mocking laugh when I kissed and bit my way down his freckled chest, and I actually heard him gasp. Haha, victory! He took his fingers out of me and for the first time, we kissed. It was harsh and messy, almost angry.

 

He leaned back on the bed and settled me in his lap, where I rode him for just a couple of strokes before he grew restless and with a low growl, bent me down on the bed again and thrust into me more fully, making me moan repeatedly with each new thrust inside me.

 

”Yes, I feel good, don’t I?”

 

Oh my god, what a pretentious asshole.

 

”Shut up.” I muttered, but I couldn’t deny that he was right.

 

For some weird reason, I kept wanting to leave marks on him – his pale, unmarred skin just begged for it. So I made sure to leave bite marks on his throat, scratches on his back and more bite marks in other places further south.

 

Also, I tried not saying it but, in the end I had to because it was true. 

  
”Your penis is cute.” I said, as I felt the orgasm build inside me. I was distantly aware of the fact that the lights in the room kept going off and on like there was a ghost in the room. He opened his blue eyes to look down at me with annoyance. It was funny riling him up like this.

 

”Shut up.”

 

Hehe, payback was a bitch. I grinned up at him.

 

”Your penis is-”

 

He suddenly thrust in, hitting THAT sweet spot. I opened my mouth to moan again but then he leaned down and kissed me, taking me by complete surprise. It was a surprisingly gentle kiss – but still french. It was one of those moments when it feels like time slows down, and everything is hyperfocused and yet not at the same time.

 

I threw my arms around his neck as his thrusts became more erratic, and then I came with a loud groan with my mouth pressed to the freckled skin of his shoulder. He came soon after that too, making an almost pained sound that was molten lava hot and almost made me wanna go again.

 

And we probably would have, if it weren’t for the sudden knock on my bedroom door.

 

”Lance? Are you having a nightmare or something? I heard noises.”

 

Shit. Larry’s voice. Larry on the other side of that door. We opened our eyes and stared at each other for a second with the same HOLY SHIT expression on our faces before he reverted back to his usual, villanous self. He reclined next to me on the bed, propping up on leg as he stared at the door with an evil grin.

 

”Want me to make him go away? Want me to freeze-frame his body? Make him cluck like a chicken?”

 

I shook my head and quickly began putting on a kimono that I used as a bathrobe.

 

”No! I mean tempting but no.”

 

Eric shrugged with one shoulder, trying to appear nonchalant – which was hard, since he still was….hard.

 

”Fine, suit yourself.”

 

I huffed and turned away from him as I got up and answered the door, making sure to only open it up a crack.

 

”Hey Lar. No, I was just ehh...masturbating. You know, the usual.”

 

Larry, bless him, didn’t even pause.

 

”Oh, nice. Well, see ya tomorrow morning then.” he said cheerfully and walked away down the hall. I closed the door and let out a huff of relief.

 

When I turned around again, Eric was nowhere to be found. The bed was made up again, leaving seemingly no trace of what had just occurred in here. I crossed my arms and surveyed the situation with my infinite wisdom.

 

” It's like getting boinked by an evil genie. The moment he’s gone, everything is back to normal.”

 

But just as I was getting ready for bed, I noticed that a new text had appeared on my phone. From a number that I did not recognize.

 

_116-116 – EVILGENIE_

 

_Next time, there will be no **interruptions**_

 

 


End file.
